Friday, 17 July 2015

Knock Knock (2015) Film Review

Keanu Reeves. What have you done?

There's just no explanation for his career nosediving at the moment. One minute (well, like two decades ago) he's starring in The Matrix, one of the best sci-fi films ever, the next he's starring in piles of turd like John Wick and Knock Knock. WTF?

John Wick was laughable, stupid, poorly thought out, zero characterisation, illogical, conventional, predictable. And yet it had a bit of action and it was so bad it was funny, so it wasn't too bad. Knock Knock, on the other hand, is the worst film I have EVER subjected my brain to. Ever. In my whole life. It was even worse than the hour and a half of nothingness which was Open Water. (Remember - that film where those two idiots went on some risky half-price deep sea diving session and got left behind and then the sharks try and eat them for a bit and you think they're going to be saved and then they both die so the whole thing was pointless anyway and not like 127 Hours where at least it gave you a bit of optimism and hope to remember it by? No? And BTW before you complain about spoilers that film is over 11 years old and if you haven't seen it now you never will. And you never should.)

This film seems to not be able to decide whether it is tongue in cheek or completely serious. It fades in and out of both, leaving you confused on how to take the film. If it had been just a bit more ridiculous and out there it could have been hilarious. But it took itself too seriously right up until the very last scene when it left you thinking - was I supposed to laugh through this?

The first half is basically any middle-aged man's wildest fantasies come true. But it literally takes half the film to introduce characters and setting and for a bit of flirting. Exposition should not be half of the film. It is so slow paced I considered leaving the cinema, which I have never done. Then things actually begin to happen and you kind of wish it would just go back to nothing happening because there are so many *facepalm* moments it's hard to keep track. Then it's all about karma, bitch. But you feel nothing for Keanu's character so it's hard to care what happens to him. I kind of wish more had happened to him for a bit of excitement or mystery but nope. Convenient visitors happen instead.

Keanu plays his character well, but who can take him seriously as a dad? He, like, smiles and everything. It's weird. It's cringey. The two women who play his tormentors are a bit over the top at times, and some of the torture techniques are downright stupid, but they are believable as psychos. When the credits rolled I suddenly understood why he had starred in this hyper-sexual film. He was only the executive producer! Now it all makes sense. I used to love Eli Roth films (Hostel series, Cabin Fever). When I was of a single digit age. Now I'm older and I have standards I know that his films are generally to be avoided. His only achievement was being "The Bear Jew" in Inglorious Basterds. And that was a long time ago now. (As a side note - did we all realise that Cabin Fever is getting a reboot this year? Of all the films that deserve a remake, this is not one of them.)

I honestly would not recommend this film to my worst enemy. The crappest film I have ever seen and I wish I could get my cinema fee back so I could buy this DVD just to use it as my own torture technique. It would be better than any actually used in the film anyway.

TL;DR: Complete heap of turd. Keanu has sold out.

My rating - 0/10.
IMDb - 6.5/10 (Did they see the same film as me?)
Rotten Tomatoes - 4.4/10

PS. *SPOILER* If someone threatening to kill you says "you must stay in the house!" you do not stay in the house. You do not then, five minutes later when they are actively seeking you, try to leave the house. You do not then immediately trip over THE WORLD'S BIGGEST RANDOM TROLLEY OR WHATEVER WAS OUTSIDE THAT HE TRIPPED ON HOW DIDN'T HE SEE IT THEY WERE GOING TO KILL HIM WHY WASN'T HE LESS CLUMSY IN THIS SITUATION?!?!!?!